so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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