I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
not ubering you a puppy
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize