and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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