halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
