So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
