something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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