i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
