anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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