this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
