She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
