I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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