i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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