I want to walk on stilts...naked
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
