WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
