Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize