I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
His hands were made for my vagina.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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