So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
