suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
