I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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