i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
