By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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