the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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