I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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