finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
