All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
