that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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