Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
