so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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