There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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