i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
