You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Mom said you looked used
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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