I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
