Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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