im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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