stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
