My liver just broke up with me...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
