Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
