The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He passed out mid-signature
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
