Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
