Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
