why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
