Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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