chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize