Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
