I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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