Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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