she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize