At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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