you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you win again, gameday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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