it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize