Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
