So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
