i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
