we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
