So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
